A couple of noteworthy revisions from last week's writing workshop - fifth graders working on "show, don't tell."
Before: He loved football
After: He loved the feeling of making tackles and running for touchdowns.
Before: He was shy.
After: He didn’t start conversations and tried to stay unnoticed.
Before: It was spring.
After: The snow was beginning to melt and the bears were waking up.
If you don't mind, I'll be borrowing these examples to share with my students this week. We are currently looking at revising.
ReplyDeleteI love these and the examples of "good starts".