Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Obsessing


Okay, so I wake up in the middle of the night and am thinking about Tooley Graham copy editing and specifically:

When he heard the click clack of her heavy black shoes on the wooden stairs, he clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle a giggle. When he heard the kitchen door swing open, he clamped his other hand over his mouth, his shoulders shaking with a silent laugh.

And then I think:

Wait! Heavy black shoes don't go click clack.

Heavy black shoes go clomp, clomp.

But you can't use clomp and clamp in the same sentence.

So.....maybe.....

When he heard the clomp clomp of her heavy black shoes on the wooden stairs, he slapped a hand over his mouth to stifle a giggle. When he heard the kitchen door swing open, he slapped his other hand over his mouth, his shoulders shaking with a silent laugh.

What do y'all think?

4 comments:

Kirby Larson said...

Not to add to the confusion but I think "clump clump" sounds heavier than "clomp clomp," even though it would give the copyeditor conniptions.

I can't wait to find out what Tooley is up to!

By the way: I think I hate you. I wasn't going to allow myself to read ANY of Small Adventure yet, but somehow the book FORCED me to read the first pages. Sigh. Another brilliant opening. Can you teach me how you do it?

Barbara O'Connor said...

Aw, shucks, Kirby...

Thanks.

Teach YOU?! Ha! You don't need me to help you write a great book, friend....

Besides, openings are one thing...but then comes...the dreaded middle.

coloradowriter said...

What if he popped his hand over his mouth? I love reading these posts, Barbara.

Mrs.M said...

Wow! we missed so much. Natalie and I have been in Cincinnati, OH! We missed the Giveaway! But we are almost at the end of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and will be starting on Barbara O'Connor's series for the fall book club! We also just got back from Starved Rock to see a recess cave with the Tom Sawyer book club! Fun waterfall!! Talk soon! Marcia (mom) and Natalie