Things I Love Thursday

I love reading fifth grade writing.

I recently taught a biography writing workshop with fifth graders.

They did an amazing job. 

 

Check out some excerpts from one of them (and they were ALL amazing):

A crisp, cold wind whistled through the treetops on February 19, 1928, and sailed past a little yellow bungalow, only stopping to hear the joyful sighs of a proud mother and father cooing over their little girl. 

Children raced along the small sidewalks of the tiny town of __, Kansas, to the few shops in the center of town. Dogs strolled through green lawns and a light frost covered windowpanes, but Mary __ was too young to enjoy it. Her little fingers were closing into little fists, and then opening, as she looked in wonder.

Are you wowed yet? Just wait till you read the ending:

 

Now living in __, Connecticut, if you stop by to listen, you might hear the crisp pages of a new cookbook turning, the microwave running, or something boiling on the stove.

If you stop a minute to smell, you might smell the aroma of spices or maybe something baking in the oven.

If you stop to peer in through the window, you might see bottles and jars out, pots on the stove, or baking sheets going into the oven.

And sometimes, you might see her lying on the couch, remembering all the fun times she had traveling before.

If you ask her what her greatest accomplishment was, she would tell you it was raising four wonderful kids.

On rainy days, she might be finding a new use for something old.

You might see her watching T.V. or reading the newspaper, or maybe trying to find out more about her Grandpa L.

I could use many words to define her: thrifty, hard-working, loving, caring, funny, helpful, a loving mother, a loyal wife, and many more, but the best thing to say is that she is a wondrous woman. 

FIFTH GRADE, PEOPLE!  

Writing Workshops

Here is a group of fifth graders showing me the timelines they made of someone they interviewed. The timelines will help them organize their information in preparation for writing a three-chapter biography.

Teaching Revision

I teach a lot of writing workshops with elementary school students.

One of the best ways to teach revision is by modeling. To teach the writing technique of "show, don't tell," I read the students before and after versions. A LOT of them.


After hearing the before and after versions, the students absorb the technique like sponges.

Over the years, I've collected some impressive examples of Show, Don't Tell revisions that were done after I had read the students oodles of before and after examples. 

I shared some of them a while back.


 Click here to have a look.

This week, I collected a few more from fifth graders. (Note: These students were writing biographies of someone they had interviewed.)

Before:  Her favorite subject was history.

After: She especially loved hearing stories about the past and how places were discovered.


Before: His favorite subject was English.

After: He was never late for English class.


Before: He and his best friend, Wes, got in trouble a lot.

After: He and his best friend, Wes, often spent time together in the principal's office.


Before: The kids in her neighborhood were close.

After: The kids in her neighborhood were like brothers and sisters.


Before: He loved football.

After: He loved the feeling of making tackles and running for touchdowns.


Before: He was shy.

After: He didn't start conversations and tried to stay unnoticed.


Before: Linda was shy and quiet but a good student.

After: Linda didn't talk much but her hand was always up for the answer.


Before: She loved algebra.

After: She counted the minutes until algebra class.


And my favorite:

Before: John's favorite teacher at boarding school was Mr. Logan. His least favorite teacher was Mr. Willis.

After: John groaned to himself when he had to go to biology class with grumpy, frowning Mr. Willis. But he had a bounce in his step when he was heading for the class of silly, fun, creative Mr. Logan.      

Before and After

I'm recycling a post from back in 2007 because a) I like it and b) I'm a cheater:


I think one of the best ways to help kids understand specific writing techniques, such as "Show, Don't Tell" - is to present them with examples of before and after revision.


Over the years, I've collected some great samples of revisions done by fifth graders that illustrate their grasp of the "Show, Don't Tell" technique.


Check these out (from workshops in which the kids - fifth graders - write biographies of a parent or grandparent):


Before: Bob wasn't happy when his father told him they were moving.


After: Bob's father came in and announced, "We're moving." Bob groaned when he heard the news.




Before: John loved to play baseball with the kids in the neighborhood.


After: As soon as John got home from school, he dashed back to his room to grab his baseball mitt, then hurried to meet his friends in the vacant lot next door.




Before: She was good at swimming.


After: Swimming medals covered her bedroom wall.




Before: Sam loved to go to the Cape every summer with his family.


After: Sam counted the days until his family would load the beach chairs and boogie boards into the car and head for the Cape.




Before: He hated doing chores, like vacuuming, washing dishes or raking.


After: He groaned when he had to vacuum. He whined when he had to wash dishes. He grumbled when he had to rake.




Before: His favorite subject was geography.


After: He loved it when the teacher whacked her pointer on the map, pointing out countries and rivers.


For any kid who didn't quite "get" Show, Don't Tell, hearing these usually lights the old proverbial light bulb for them.

Can you write like a fifth grader?

A fifth grader's opening paragraph from a biography of his father:

His hands felt numb as he strummed the strings harder and harder until he got the right tune, a soft hum to match the best of the music that flowed from the shiny black stereo next to him. 

He looked at the notes on the fading piece of paper and began the song, his friend Kevin stomping to the beat and clapping for him.

Ever since Tom O. was born, on November 9, 1967, he had loved to play guitar.

Cereal Box Book Reports

 While Mr. Mason's students were hard at work on their writing, I checked out their fantastic cereal box book reports.

As time goes by

Another writing workshop.

Another great group of kids showing off their timelines.

Fifth grade? Really?

From a biography written by a fifth grade boy:

In Denver, Colorado, 1938, the city was speaking. The city was honking car horns. The city was people shouting. The city was blinking its traffic lights. Who would have thought that somewhere in the middle of the noise, Susan P was being born?

A fifth grader? Seriously?

Written by a fifth grader (first draft):

His hands felt numb as he strummed the strings harder and harder until he got the right tune, a soft hum to match the best of the music that flowed from the shiny black stereo next to him.

He looked at the notes on the fading piece of paper and began the song, his friend, Kevin, stomping to the beat and clapping for him. Ever since Tom C was born on September 9, 1962, he had loved to play the guitar.

Some awesome writing

From a biography of his mother, written by a fifth grader:

Original version:

She hated putting price stickers on plastic bags at her father's bakery.

Revised version:

Peel, stick. Peel, stick. She hated her job. Her fingers were aching, shaking and sore as she put price tags on plastic bags at her father's bakery.

Can you hear me now?

When teaching writing workshops to elementary school kids, I emphasize, of course, the five senses.

The sense of hearing is one of my favorites.

I use it a lot in my own writing.

It's an easy sense to forget.

So I was particularly fond of a biography written by a fifth grader in a recent workshop of mine.

This kid is tuned into sounds.

Some excerpts (all by the same student):

• “Bam Bam.” Another shiny silver nail was being hammered into the rough wood as the fort was getting taller and taller.

• Just by the sound of the car rumbling over the dirt path, he knew that they had arrived at Rocky Point Amusement Park.

• “Ripppppp”, was the sound of Richard ripping open an envelope.

• “Knock knock” was the sound of opportunity knocking at Richard’s door.

Don't you love those!!??

You go, girl!

I do writing workshops in schools a lot.

Sometimes the kids send me their finished products.

I recently received a wonderful biography written by a fifth grade girl.

She had it all packaged up like a real book, including the following copyright page:

Copyright Page 2009

Text copyright by ____

Illustration copyright by ____

Jacket covers copyright by ____

DO NOT COPY

If you do any of the above there will be major consequences usually being paying lots of money.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy the book!

P.S. just don't copy this book, (maybe if I write more books don't copy those either)

Reasons Why You Should Not Copy My Books

1. I would be very mad

2. You would have to pay a fine

3. It is not a good thing to do to ANYONE'S books

4. I and a lot of other people don't want you to

5. Just don't do it

Thank you for reading my thoughts about why you should not copy my books or anyone else's and I hope you will still enjoy my book. Just remember don't copy!!!!

An interesting observation

The other day I was doing a writing workshop with fifth graders.

We were on the final day and the students were reading a paragraph of their chapters out loud to the class.

I always like to stand behind them so I can see their papers while they read. (I know it probably annoys the heck out of them, but, hey, I'm the boss, right?)

A rather shy boy was reading a paragraph of a biography of his grandfather.

I could tell this boy struggled a bit with writing, but he had really listened during the workshop and had tried to use some of the techniques we had discussed.

When he was reading a sentence that was a description of his grandfather as a young boy, what he read out loud was that his grandfather had "blue eyes."

What he had written on the paper was that his grandfather had "ocean blue eyes."

I found it fascinating that he had omitted the word "ocean" when he read out loud.

Now, I'm no psychiatrist or anything, but I think that he was embarrassed to read what he might have considered to be "pretty" writing.

(Dare I go out on a limb and say "girly" writing?")

Hmmmm, I wonder.

Those amazing fifth graders

I present the following - word for word - excerpts from biographies written by fifth graders.

These are the first drafts!

This one was a biography of the student's grandmother:

It was September 19, 1939 in Wanne Eickel, Germany and many sounds could be heard. The pitter patter of rain on the decorative shop windows. The clip clop of the horses’ feet on the depressing gray cobblestone streets and an unusual laugh of a tiny baby.


I love the choppy cadence of the next one. It's a student's biography of her father, who grew up in Kenya:

On a hot summer day, picking out weeds. Hearing the chickens. Bock bock bock. The goats munching on bright green grass and milk splashing down into the silver rusty bucket. Plop plop plop. Corn stalks taller than him and the small vegetable garden.

Revisions

A couple of noteworthy revisions from last week's writing workshop - fifth graders working on "show, don't tell."

Before: He loved football

After: He loved the feeling of making tackles and running for touchdowns.

Before: He was shy.

After: He didn’t start conversations and tried to stay unnoticed.

Before: It was spring.

After: The snow was beginning to melt and the bears were waking up.

Off to a good start

When I teach biography writing workshops, I spend a fair amount of time talking about beginnings.

I know that the first sentence is often hardest.

The students have three pages of interview questions in front of them and sometimes have no idea where to start (writing biographies of a parent, grandparent, etc.).

I give them four choices - and cite examples of each:

1. Start with action.

I suggest that they look at their interviews in the section where there are questions about childhood activities, hobbies, sports, chores, etc. I give them an example of how they could choose one of those activities to start the chapter.

Yesterday, a fifth grade boy chose to start his biography with the answer to the interview question: Who was your best friend and what activities did you do together?

The answer on his interview sheet was: Packy Kennedy; we climbed trees

That student started his biography like this:

Feeling the breeze in his hair, hands sticky with sap, Carl Martin looked down at his best friend, Packy Kennedy.

2. Start with setting.

I give them examples of how they can show the setting - perhaps the season - maybe the geographic location.

One student started her biography this way:

As Jake climbed to the top of the tall pine tree, he could make out the large water tank in the distance. Welcome to Concord was painted in red on the side.

3. A hook that makes the reader curious.

I give them several examples of this, including the opening of my biography of Isadora Duncan (During the summer of 1887 in San Francisco, California, visitors to the seaside were sometimes met by a rather unusual sight.)

One student started his biography:

Jan had a little secret.

4. Get the baby on the paper.

That means just starting like this: John Smith was born on June 2, 1953 in Rome, Georgia.

This is the "last resort" beginning - but it offers a comforting safety net to those students who just can't manage a snappy, creative beginning.

I always notice a look of total relief on the faces of some children when I tell them it's okay to start like that.

And I remind them that maybe they can think of a different way to start later on - but YOU CAN'T FIX WHAT YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN - so get the baby on the paper.

Just being honest

From a student's biography of his grandmother:

Soon she was teaching the second grade. She did a great job teaching even though she has a very short temper.


I love kids......

Don't argue with me

An excerpt from a fifth grader's biography of her father. (I want to live in this house!)

At home, work is done. Jack washes dishes, washes the clothes, and more. At his home, arguing is not a problem because no one argues in Jack’s home.

Yakkity yak

Here is the ending of a 5th grader's biography of her 76-year-old grandmother:

Some of Doris's best qualities are her patience, her consideration of others, her kindness, and most of all she is loving (she is also very pretty!)

Doris’ bad habit is talking on the telephone.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

And can you write better than a fifth grader?

I just finished up a month-long residency with fifth graders who wrote biographies of someone they interviewed: a parent, grandparent, neighbor, teacher, etc.

As many times as I've done this, you would think I would no longer be surprised by the quality of the writing.

But I still am.

I came away with pages and pages of examples of knock-your-socks-off writing produced by those kids.

Here are some examples of opening lines written by fifth graders:

1. This was a FIRST DRAFT, following a discussion about trying to show setting, particularly seasons:

Fiery leaves were blowing in the crisp cool wind. Smoke rose from fireplaces and the smell of turkey filled the air. While most people were putting the finishing touches on the table and drinking apple cider, a baby entered the world.

[Note: She even spelled "fiery" correctly without looking it up!]

[Second note: When I read this to a few people later in the residency, they thought she must have written that at home. But I saw her write it class right before my very eyes.]

2. Once again, showing seasons:

The snow was beginning to melt and the bears were waking up.

3. An opening line that shows setting and hooks the reader (i.e., why not the Johnson family? What are they doing?):

Cars honked, travelers wandered, and everyone was outside enjoying the summer in NYC, but not the Johnson family.

4. A great hook for a first sentence:

Jan had a little secret.

5. Showing setting - both time and place:

The leaves were just beginning to change and fall off the trees outside the White House.

6. We brainstormed ways to start a bio with action. One way was to find information in the interview about what the person liked to do - hobbies, interests, sports, etc. - and start with that. Here's a great example of that:

The small fingers of a second grader glided over the smooth white keys of a piano.

[Note: This also gives the reader information about the age of the subject - what I refer to in the workshop as a "time marker."

7. This kid wanted to show that his subject grew up in an apartment building:

The neighbors on the floors above came down to see their newest neighbor.