Teaching Revision

I teach a lot of writing workshops with elementary school students.

One of the best ways to teach revision is by modeling. To teach the writing technique of "show, don't tell," I read the students before and after versions. A LOT of them.


After hearing the before and after versions, the students absorb the technique like sponges.

Over the years, I've collected some impressive examples of Show, Don't Tell revisions that were done after I had read the students oodles of before and after examples. 

I shared some of them a while back.


 Click here to have a look.

This week, I collected a few more from fifth graders. (Note: These students were writing biographies of someone they had interviewed.)

Before:  Her favorite subject was history.

After: She especially loved hearing stories about the past and how places were discovered.


Before: His favorite subject was English.

After: He was never late for English class.


Before: He and his best friend, Wes, got in trouble a lot.

After: He and his best friend, Wes, often spent time together in the principal's office.


Before: The kids in her neighborhood were close.

After: The kids in her neighborhood were like brothers and sisters.


Before: He loved football.

After: He loved the feeling of making tackles and running for touchdowns.


Before: He was shy.

After: He didn't start conversations and tried to stay unnoticed.


Before: Linda was shy and quiet but a good student.

After: Linda didn't talk much but her hand was always up for the answer.


Before: She loved algebra.

After: She counted the minutes until algebra class.


And my favorite:

Before: John's favorite teacher at boarding school was Mr. Logan. His least favorite teacher was Mr. Willis.

After: John groaned to himself when he had to go to biology class with grumpy, frowning Mr. Willis. But he had a bounce in his step when he was heading for the class of silly, fun, creative Mr. Logan.