Sell me something...please

If anybody has any oceanview property in Arizona, call me. I'll buy it.

I'm the person they invented Infomercials for.

Ginzu knives? Sign me up...

Masterbuilt smokehouse 4-rack digital electric smoker? Gotta have it.

So, the other day I was watching Oprah (hey, I was on my treadmill...that makes it okay...)

And Gwyneth Paltrow was on there looking all movie-starry.

And Oprah is in her how-did-I-get-so-fat-again phase and was obsessing about how to look all movie-starry like that.

So Gwynnie is all, like, "I WORK HARD FOR THIS BODY, PEOPLE and you all can just quit yer whining and do it, too."

(You know, Gwyneth rushes in the door after a hard day at the office and a quick stop-off at Wal Mart and has to put all the groceries away and whip up a meat loaf or two and bathe the kids and clean out the litter box and THEN she can finally grab a little time for herself to work out.)

And then she did it - Gwyneth made me buy this workout DVD because she and Madonna use it.

Madonna, people.

I know, I know....

But my point is this - never trust a woman working out in a bikini wearing thigh high leather boots.

I have spent the last two weeks trying to learn the dang cardio combinations (well, that's what they call them: cardio combinations) and haven't even gotten to the workout part yet! (And I've tap danced my whole life, so I mean, I'm fairly coordinated so what the heck is up with that?)

But I am determined to master that thing.

I like to mix up my workouts. Treadmill? Got it. Use it.

DDR? Got it. Use it.

Wii Fit? Got it. Use it.

So I AM going to use this DVD.

Now where the heck did I put my workout bikini?